I will start from the beginning… although I’m not sure my cortexes…wait. cortices are firing on all cylinders—

—This is due to my 5:15 wake up I decided to set myself. I may have also gone to bed at midnight the previous night… but no matter! I was going to get my ass in gear and leave by 6 damnit.

*Which I did*

Provisions for my Epic:

• granola bars. Nature Valley naturally
• rolls. yes rolls. I’m european and enjoy my sandwiches
• dry salami to accompany those rolls. 
• 2 Chelsea Handler audiobooks. 
• my otter sweatshirt. I wear it everywhere and its a great  … well it starts conversations. 
• 1 SCARED AS SHIT CAT.

*I’d also like to note that I’m self-narrating this in Chelsea’s voice… It is kind of sickening, but sounds oh so wonderful*

Well, twenty minutes into my drive, my lovely cat Stella could be heard making a disturbing noise… one that sounded like a waterfall of sand. 

Upon further investigation… the royal shit head had dug approximately a cup of cat litter out onto most of my luggage and into any and all crevices of my vehicle. 

After that little fiasco however, she settled down. for the most part.

Enter the most horrifying weather of the trip thus far. I have to take a dinky little highway to get to I-15. It is known only as the 20. Upon entering the gauntlet, it was windy as hell with only a semi truck to keep me company. 

There was lightning and god know’s what else pelting my newly replaced windshield. Seriously, the splatters bombarding my car… it was like Zeus was playing paintball with me… only I couldn’t fight the fucker back.

I made Zeus my bitch though in the end and came out of that shit like nobody’s business.

I finally made my way into Idaho, my previous homestead. It’s been like 6 or 7 years since I was lucky enough to move away from here. Not that I don’t enjoy Twin Falls, Idaho… it just isn’t somewhere I’d want to be for the remainder of my years because:

1. I am not LDS
2. I do not climb rocks like my boyfriend
3. I am not Evel Knievel and will not be jumping the Snake River Canyon anytime soon.

I am now resigned to my wonderous room at the Holiday Inn Express. This hotel. is. the. absolute. greatest. EVER. 

I highly recommend them. I have a king size bed all to myself and am currently stuffing my face with Carino’s because lets face it… I wasn’t going to a real restaurant anytime soon. I ordered take out while laying in the fetal position on my bed. 

Behold the glory:

mmhmm. The two best things I’ve eaten all day. An actual salad. And a grilled bacon, turkey, and gorgonzola panini. with fries. 

yeah… the salad was the best thing actually. 

Oh. And Stella quite enjoys the suite. She’s very regal. obvi.